Gone

Hi there, Anna! June here!


Wow, this poem is so beautiful. I would frame this and hang it on my wall-- seriously.

It's sad! It's too distanced, but it's so sweet, dear. This absolutely pulled me in, and kept my interest until the very last letter.


• Surprisingly, I like the repetition of "just" in the first stanza. It gives a completely different touch to this poem-- almost as if it's being spoken. Typically, with poems it just doesn't feel like someone is speaking it to someone; using just makes it feel that way, and I just love it.

• The fact that the message in this is somewhat blurry makes me appreciate the poem even more. Had you dumped the information on us, and tried to play around with the same words and such, I don't think I could've appreciated it as much.


* * * * *


This is the type of poem that's speaking about something-- perhaps the pain of separation-- and that has it defined but is leaving the reader to figure over the rest. By not having everything openly on display, you can and are giving your audience something to think about.


Undoubtedly, this is an amazing poem.

Gold star, Anna. 15/10

June

Hey, Evi here! I actually though tthis poem was beautiful! However, I fail epically at deciphering meaning in deep poems like this one. so, you'll have to bear with me.

One thing I liked about it was how, even though it didn't rhyme, each word, line, and stanza fit together like interlocking puzzle pieces. Oftentimes I find non-rhyming poems a bit choppy, jumping from one syllable to another without that cohesiveness that makes poetry so wonderful to read. This, even without rhymes, was brilliantly smooth. So, kudos for that!

One of my only suggestions is, perhaps, to take out the second 'just' in the first stanza. 'Just' is a word without critical meaning. We still get the same emotion, feeling, and point without it. However, if you wanted to add another word in its place, that could work. You could do 'only', or 'simply', or a wide assortment of synonyms if you want to fill that syllable. That's just a suggestion though. There's not a real problem with it as is.

I love the part about eyes being strangers. The personification there is lovely, but we kep the abstract image without changing the actual point of what you're trying to say. It's so easy to lose meaning in flowery imagery and flowing phrases, but here you manage that nicely.

The first two lines in the last sentence don't really make much sense, but that could be just me. The part about 'lined with gold' is beautiful, but I don't quite understand the 'sisters' and 'ties'. Which ties and sisters are you talking of? The web of relationships between people? The web that, in modern society, has been lost and disregarded?

If that's what you mean, than there's no real problem. If it's not, you aren't giving your readers a clear enough message.

Good job! PM me if you need anything.

~Evi

Good poem, I like the mysterious, eerie feeling hidden in it. I think the last stanza had a big impact because of the extra line that was brief, and the last thing the reader takes in. Keep up the good work!